Hands Off. Please.

Ask anyone who has ever worked with me… I don’t like being touched, specifically I don’t like being touched by people with whom I don’t already have a close or intimate relationship.  Like a lot of people, I have my personal-space bubble, a space that requires an invitation to enter.  I have some very well established, long standing relationships with people, but that haven’t graduated to the touching stage.  I once had a boss for 7 years, and I can’t ever remember getting a hug or even a handshake from her.  I’m just not a fan of random hugging, especially at work. 

Clearly, at work there are lots of kinds of touches, and the way people touch and the way people feel about being touched  makes this a really cloudy issue.  To me, this isn’t about a legal definition (although I’m pretty sure a legal definition exists).   It’s more that there are some touches, like hugs, that are sometimes acceptable and sometimes expected that cause the greatest amount of grief.  Especially for a non-toucher like me.

I have been well known to commit the odd HR violation.   My HR violations are almost always because I can’t keep my big mouth shut, not because I can’t keep my hands to myself.  I can’t ever remember a time when I felt like I needed to reach out and touch somebody.  I’ve never ‘mistakenly’ felt up somebody’s boob or butt.  I have been known, however, to say and occasionally write things that could be considered inappropriate, but that’s a story for a different day. 

Inappropriate contact at work isn’t so hard to identify.  What is more challenging is the whole idea that what is expected and considered acceptable behaviour by some can be considered inappropriate and offensive behaviour by others.  I’m speaking of course of the hug.  With the exception of my wife and my daughters, I’m not hugely into hugging.  I’m often the uncomfortable recipient of ‘work hugs’ and ‘bro hugs’.   In fact, I got bro-hugged in lobby of a hotel last week, almost out of nowhere.  I wasn’t expecting it at all.  To be clear, I am almost never the initiator of this type of contact, which makes the rest of this story all the more unbelievable.

I was attending a trade show in Vancouver in about 2007.  A lot of hugging happens at these trade shows as you see people that you only see once or twice a year, and it’s a place where old and longstanding relationships are rekindled.   I still don’t typically pro-actively reach out and touch anyone, and I usually pay very close attention to who is coming in my direction that may have a hug on the brain.  I like to be prepared.

I was standing at my booth, and across the show, I spotted a customer, Donna.  Now Donna and I had known each other for many years, and our relationship had progressed to a point where a little hug was normal.  It was fairly quiet, so I left my booth, and strode across the show, and walked right up to her.   As I threw my arms around her, I said, “Donna, it’s so nice to see you here…”   At that point in the hug, I felt Donna completely tense up, and I released her.   It was like hugging a telephone pole.   I went on talking about how I hadn’t expected to see her there, and that maybe we should grab some lunch during the conference.

I’m not sure when I realized that this person wasn’t in fact Donna.  Perhaps it was the strange, ‘somebody call the cops’ look on her face.  Maybe it was her defensive posture.  Maybe it was the fact that she took 4 big steps back as soon as I ended the hug.  As soon as I realized she wasn’t who I thought she was, I flushed.  I could feel the heat in my cheeks, and I got dizzy.  I had just accosted somebody in a tradeshow.  At that point,  I lost control of my ability to form a sentence, and slunk away, back to my booth, praying that I would never see this woman again.  

As it turns out, I did know this woman.  Debra and I hadn’t known each other very long, and we had definitely not graduated to the hugging place.  Talk about awkward.   This is one of the reasons I don’t hug.  Debra and I ran into each other at another tradeshow some months later, and when she spotted me, she took a very wide lap around, so as not to have to walk right past me.  Luckily, I had the opportunity to speak to her and to apologize, which she graciously accepted.  Debra and I agreed that we were not huggers.  We shook on it.

I once had a boss who was absolutely not a hugger.   On her best day she was like a block of ice.  I was extremely surprised, therefore, to be at a dinner with her where she was dispensing hugs to a number of business colleagues.  It felt like a receiving line at a wedding.  I could see her coming down the line, and I was both interested and afraid to see what would happen when she got to me.  I was counting down…three left, two left, one left…then she got to me and it was one of the most awkward moments I’ve ever experienced in business.   She didn’t want to hug me anymore than I wanted her to.  She looked at me, and I looked back, with everyone else looking on, and all she said was, “No hug for you…”   She chuckled and walked on.   It was both a sense of relief and embarrassment all at the same time.  Mostly relief.

Draco and Voldemort...widely regarded as the most awkward movie hug of all time

This year I started a job that has me traveling to Montreal a lot.  In Quebec there is a lot of that two-cheek kissing going on.  You know, kiss, kiss.  For a non-toucher who’s not from Quebec, it’s a dicey situation.  Which cheek do you kiss first?  How do you know if you’re in a kissing situation, or a hand shake situation.  Do you wait for the other person to initiate the kiss, or you do you?  What happens if you initiate and it’s not the right time or place for the kissing?  What do you do with your hands when you’re doing the kissing?  There’s a story in this month’s Men’s Health magazine that is supposed to help me become a better kisser, but I’m pretty sure that the tips they offer don’t apply when giving the two-cheek Quebec kiss.  Being a Better Business Kisser…there’s a story that would sell.

 

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