I Fought the Bed..And the Bed Won.

If you’ve been following along, you know that I spend a huge chunk of my life on the road.  Airports, car rentals, hotels.  In fact, I’m writing this blog in my hotel room, as I often do.  I’ve been at this travel-thing for a long time, so I’m pretty good at it.  True, I’ve become a bit of an airport diva, but it’s really more about getting where I’m going faster, easier, and as comfortably as possible.   I can handle pretty much anything the travel gods throw at me, and I usually don’t get too twisted out of shape.

I can now say, after four nights in the Radisson Calgary that I have met my match.  The travel gods have thrown a curveball that I just don’t know how to deal with.  This curveball is called the “Sleep Number Bed”.  Whoever thought it was a good idea to install this new hellish torture device in a hotel should be shot.  I’m in my 40’s, and I’ve stayed in more hotels than the average guy, and I’m used to sleeping in lots of different beds (that sounds a little trampier than I meant it to), and I can’t figure this bloody thing out.

In theory, the sleep number bed is a good idea.  The mattress is full of air, and with a remote control, you control the firmness of the mattress.  Good idea, right?  Well, I dunno.  Clearly these beds are made for 2 people, because you can control both sides of the bed.  For example, if my lovely wife likes a firm mattress, and I like it a little softer, we should be able to be happy, and our marriage will be safe because we both get the bed we want, and we’re still able to sleep together.  

Looks delightful, doesn't it?

Try sleeping alone in one of these contraptions.  I jumped into it on Sunday night, and selected my personal sleep number.  Who knew I had a personal sleep number.  So I set it to medium. Apparently I like my bed the way I like my steak.  Who knew?  It seemed relatively comfortable and it never occurred to me to set the other side of the bed.  At some point during the early part of the night, I rolled over, and it felt like I fell into a hole.  I rolled off my medium-firm side of the bed into some über-soft pit of despair.  I seriously dropped off my side and fell into the other side.  That was a rude awakening.  In the dark of the night, I’m trying to scramble back up onto the medium firm side of the bed, and I’m having difficulty scaling the ledge.  I had to get up, walk around the bed, and get back in.  So not cool.  

Now, it’s 1:30 in the morning, and I’m seeking out the remote control so I can blow up the other side of the bed.  I set the passenger side to the same firmness of the driver’s side and waited for the magic to happen.  If  you’ve never slept in a bed with a built-in compressor, it’s quite an experience.  It clunks as it fires up, and then, like the air machine at the gas station, it starts blowing air, and you can feel and see the mattress rise.  Fun times at 1:30am.

Notice the freakin' ledge

You would think that when you set the left side at 65 (that’s medium) and the right side at 65 that the bed would then be level and that the firmness would be consistent.  You would be wrong.  For four nights I’ve been in a battle with my bed.  I wonder how many other people in this hotel are having the same battle.  I’ve blown up the bed, I’ve let air out.  I’ve drained both sides of the bed and maxed both sides out, and I can’t make this bed level.  There is a ledge in the middle of it that’s become my nemesis for these last four nights.  I’ve been trying to manage my bed, and I’m pretty sure that your bed is not something you should have to manage.  There were times where I almost resorted to sleeping on the floor, but instead, I just slept in the hole.

For years and years the hotel chains have been competing on the basis of the comfort level of their beds.  Westin has their ‘Heavenly Bed’, and it is heavenly.  Sheraton has the Sweet Sleeper bed.  Sweet enough.  In a bold stroke, Marriott has the “Marriott Bed”… kind of braggy, but still comfortable.  None of those beds have tried to kill me.  I mean you may get drowned in a sea of pillows on the Sweet Sleeper bed, but it’s comfortable.  The Sleep Number bed?  Not so much.

The way I see it, you go to a hotel to sleep.  It’s bad enough when you have to fight with your bed, but when your bed fights back, it might be time to find somewhere else to sleep.