The Mean Lady Made Me Cry

I believe there is a continuum of failure…from your run-of-the-mill dropping of the ball to your large scale fails…the epic fail.  The only thing is that because of its overuse, the word epic has lost its, well its epicness.  'Wow dude that shirt is an epic fail'.  If a word like epic isn’t epic anymore, how should we describe the true epic fail?  Super Duper Epic Fail?

I’ve been on the delivery end of some super duper epic fails, and I’ve been on the receiving end of some.  In the continuing saga of epic service fails, this is one that sticks in my mind.  I feel like I’m the victim in this story, but I’m not 100% sure that’s true.

Twenty years ago this week I had my first date with my wife.  I knew the moment I laid eyes on her that one day she was going to be Mrs. Slater.  Twenty years later and she’s still not sure.  At any rate, I didn’t completely screw up our first blind date, so we wound up with a second, then a third.  Before I knew it, we were a year in, and I was thinking about locking things down.  I started to shop for a diamond.

The first date was good, I was hooked.  Seriously hooked.

If you’ve been reading along, you’ve more than likely gathered that I’m a bit anal and slightly obsessive, so why would diamond shopping be any different?  Within the period of about a month, I visited every single store in Ottawa that sold diamond engagement rings.  I saw every ring that was available, including some stunning selections that were well beyond my modest budget.  I remember a lady in Birks showing me a 20 carat sapphire ring she had to retrieve from the safe.  She knew I couldn’t afford it, but I think she just wanted to show it.

I knew every single cut of diamond from the princess cut to the pear shape to the baguette cut.  I knew my colours, my carats and my clarities.  I knew some of the salespeople by name, and they knew me.  I remember walking by a jewelry store window in the Rideau Centre one day, and I saw what I thought was the most beautiful ring.  It was actually a set, with the engagement ring and the wedding band.  The engagement ring was a really pretty pear shaped diamond, and when it snuggled up close to the wedding band, some additional diamonds in the wedding band turned that pretty pear into a magnificent marquis (a diamond shaped diamond).

Not exactly it, but you get the point

I had to have it.  I knew Laura would love it.  I went into the store and saw Monique who I had spoken to on a few occasions previously, and let me tell you, she was thrilled that I had finally settled on a ring.  Holding the beautiful ring in my hand convinced me even more that I had made the right decision.  I threw down a three hundred dollar deposit, Monique took the sizing information, and we agreed I’d be back in a few weeks to pick that baby up.

I laid down all my cash...$300 

I should mention that at this point, while I had seen every single ring in Ottawa at least once, I also had about six rings on hold in various jewelry shops around town.  I hadn’t paid any deposits, but they were holding them for me.  Once I settled on Monique’s pear shaped beauty, I had the unpleasant job of releasing all those other rings.  My friend at Birks with the humungous sapphire wasn’t happy that I let the little diamond that she was saving for me go back into circulation.

The rings I had on hold may have been slightly more modest

So the job was done.  All that was left was to come up with the rest of the cash and then take possession of the ring.  One day I was in the mall with Laura, so I trotted her past the window and casually stopped to scan the rings.  My ring was in the right in the middle.  I was completely horrified when she nonchalantly dismissed all the rings in the window.  Holy Crap.  I had three hundred bucks on that ring, and she didn’t even notice it.

Laura wasn't as excited, and I was devastated

Back to the drawing board.  Instead of going back to all the rings I had on hold, I started the search over again, and within a few weeks, I found what I believed to be the perfect ring and bought it.  Now I owned one engagement ring, and was paying on another.  I was fairly certain my deposit was lost, so I didn’t think too much about it and went on with planning the big engagement surprise.  (That’s another story for another day, but suffice to say, it didn’t go nearly as well in real life as I had planned in my head.)

Not exactly it, but it's close to the one I proposed with.  She said yes, so it musta been OK

The day I was going to propose, I happened to be in the mall picking something up, and I saw the jewelry store, and inside I saw Monique.  Monique was a big French Canadian woman who may have been a cross-dresser.  I had spent a couple of months avoiding the store, but that day, I thought I’d see if there was any money I could get back…I was sure I would have to pay for the sizing, but I figured there might be some cash I could put back in my pocket.  So in I walked.

Just a little bit prettier than the real Monique

Monique saw me, and rushed over.  She was thrilled to see me, and happy that I would be paying the balance and picking up the ring.  When I told her that I wouldn’t be needing the ring, and asked about a refund, she said, “Listen honey, I’m working with paying customers right now…I’m busy.  Go walk around the mall for an hour and come back.  I’ll have time for you then.”  I was completely shocked, but had some things to do, and in order to not rock the boat, I went and did the shopping I needed to do.

Get out of my store and don't come back...I've got paying customers

About ninety minutes later, I returned.  Monique saw me from a distance and disappeared into the back.  I asked someone to let her know I was there, and they said that she had gone on her lunch, and that I should come back another time.  I told her that I saw Monique go into the back, and that I was just going to wait for her there.  I waited about 20 minutes, and was really getting pissed off with the sales people going back and forth, whispering, chuckling, and on occasion, pointing in my direction.  Nobody spoke to me, and nobody made eye contact.

There's only so long you can take it before you snap

I saw someone that looked managerial standing by the cash register.  I walked up to him and asked if he was the manager and he confirmed that he was.  I told him that I was having a problem with Monique and he was just about to dismiss me when from somewhere deep, I summoned up a tear, and a story to go with it.  “I put a deposit on this ring about three months ago and I was about to propose to my girlfriend.  About 3 weeks later, she was killed in a car crash.  I’ve had such a hard time dealing with it, and today, I felt strong enough to handle this, and then this is how Monique treats me…”   By that time, tears were streaming down my face and my eyes were puffy.  He looked distraught, and to this day, I have never seen three hundred bucks come flying out of a cash register so fast. 

I'm pretty sure my performance was better than ole' Dawson's

He apologized profusely, handed me a box of Kleenex and asked if I wanted a glass of water.  I dabbed my wet eyes, jammed the three hundred bucks in my pocket, and split.  I’ve never gone back to that chain since.  I don’t know if this situation had anything to do with it, but about a month later when I was in the mall, I saw Monique working in another jewelry store.  I gave her a big wave as I passed by her new store.  I may or may not have used all my fingers in that wave.

Cash, Cash, beautiful Cash...See ya Monique!

While I’m pretty proud of my acting performance that day, I’m not that proud of the fact that I lied to get cash…that may be a super duper epic fail in the personal ethics department, but I still think it pales in comparison to Monique’s super, super, duper epic service failure.

And the Oscar for Best Actor in an attempt to retrieve a deposit on a diamond ring...