Coffee...I Just Don't Get It

I have a Tim Hortons card. I have a Starbucks gold card. We have a Tassimo, a Keurig and now a Nespresso machine, all three lined up on the counter. I likely spend more on coffee in a year than on any other 'Indulgence'. But I haven't had a cup of coffee in 20 years. I hate the stuff. I don't even like coffee flavoured ice cream or dessert. Sorry, Tiramisu, I want to love you, I really do. But I don't. 

We have more coffee capsules in my kitchen than we know what to do with

I get the 'let's go for coffee' thing. I enjoy plunking myself down in a comfortable chair at Starbucks for half an hour as much as the next guy. I love the vibe. But I don't like the coffee. I get mocked for ordering a bottle of water, but I do. I have a tremendous amount of respect for those Baristas. It's not a job I could do or ever want. I think I'd probably punch someone in the face if I had to stand there and listen to the 'Venti skinny half caf extra hot triple shot' crap all day long. If I was a barista I'd triple up the caffeine in the decaf orders just to see some dude go wiggy when all that high test coffee hits his delicate system. 

Just imagine how much I love ordering for my lovely wife. At least when she liked Tim's it was just a 'large coffee, triple milk'. On our last visit to Starbucks I asked her what she wanted and she actually said, 'Oh, just a grande creme brûlée latte, skinny, half sweet, extra hot, hold the whip, but make sure they put the creme brûlée topping on it, k?'  Are you freaking kidding me?  First, I need to remember that all the way from the car to the store, and then I have to actually say it out loud. Argh. The great news is that my kids are now totally into Starbucks too. So now instead of having to remember one crazy-ass bizarre coffee order, I need to remember four. Thank God those Baristas are lovely, patient people. And polite. And forgiving. 

Now that McDonalds is big into the coffee game, I find myself at the drive thru there quite often. The real challenge with all of these coffee places is remembering their unique ordering lingo. Laura's order there is a Non-fat vanilla latte made with sugar free vanilla. They don't use words like skinny or half sweet, so when you drop those words into the order you really mess up the fifteen year old at the other end of the speaker. I've muddled up Mommy's coffee order more than once.  Result?  Three delightful daughters mocking me from the backseat.  Good times.  

The kid at the drive thru mocks me, the kids in the car mock me.

Some places are pretty anal about their java.  Tim Horton's is such a place.  I guess after all these years, they've earned the right to be a little bossy about their coffee, but on the other hand, with all their new competition, they may need to think about giving their customer what they want.  I have had more than one argument with the Tim's lady about Laura's preference for triple milk.  They have often fought me on the three milk thing, suggesting that it will dilute and cool the coffee too much.  My question is why the hell do they care what you do with their coffee once you've split with the buck fifty to own it. I always win the battle with the Tim's lady, but she looks down her nose at me in a very disapproving way.

So I sit here surveying three fancy coffee makers, just having arrived home from a visit to Starbucks, looking at my 11 year old kid enjoying a frothy espresso she just made herself wondering what's wrong with me...how can I not like it? I've tried to like it.  I've tried to simply tolerate it.  I used to try to drink it when I needed to look grown up. Now I've just given it all up, and I stick to diet coke.  But that's another story completely.

You have coffee for breakfast, I have diet coke.