Il Divo...How a Rational Traveler can be Turned into a Raving Diva

We all know the famous divas, Cher, Madonna, Paris Hilton, any Kardashian, Elton John…those over the top celebs who have been known to throw a fit when things don’t go their way.  I think that a male diva is called a divo, but we don’t usually use that word to describe people like Alec Baldwin or Russell Crowe when things don’t go their way, and a punch, or a cell phone, or some rashly chosen words get thrown.  

I love Alec Baldwin because the guy just says what's on his mind!  @alecbaldwin

If you’ve been even an occasional reader of this blog over the past year, you’ll remember that when I travel, I like for things to be simple, predictable, and straight forward.  You’ll also recall that I’m fully aware of the few privileges I’ve earned through my loyalty to the airlines and hotels that I frequently use.  I don’t think I make a big deal of using those privileges, but I do use them.  I also plan, and usually time my travel so that it all comes together pretty well.  I can also say without exaggeration that I’ve been through the Montreal Airport at least 65 times in the last 18 months, so I’ve got a pretty good idea of how it works.

I need an extra wallet for my frequent flyer and hotel cards

After that lead-in, I guess you’ve got a pretty good idea where this story is going.  After my airline experience on Friday, I’m fairly certain that my Diva or Divo card may be on the way in the mail.  It was one of those days where everything, and seemingly, everyone, was conspiring to get me.  Before I continue, I will say in my own defense that nothing got thrown, no insults were hurled, and nobody got called any names (at least that they could hear).

Nobody got hurt...but it was close

I had a rental car this time, which is unusual for me, and I was already running late when I arrived at the terminal to find it absolutely overflowing with people.  There are a number of international flights that depart Montreal on Fridays, and it seemed like all of those departing passengers and all of their luggage arrived at the airport at the same time.  I found an automated check in kiosk (I normally check in via my blackberry while I’m in the cab on the way to the airport, but since I was driving this time, I didn’t.  See that…I didn’t use my blackberry while driving).  

Not what you want to see when you get to the airport a bit late

I did my self-serve check in, and in the final step, the machine told me that instead of checking me in, and giving me the seat that I had already reserved, that I was now on standby, and that a seat may be assigned at the gate.  That is sooo not right.  As always, I had booked my flight, and selected my seat at that time, and in fact, I had an email from Air Canada to prove it.  Assuming that it was some kind of mistake, I headed for security, with a plan to sort it out at the gate.  When I arrived at Security, I went through the Priority line, which allows you to bypass the line and go right to the screening area.  You can use the priority line if you’re Elite, or Super Elite, or Business Class, or something like that.  It’s one of the privileges of being Elite that I most appreciate.

The priority lane has saved my ass numerous times.  More times than I can count

I presented myself at the screening area where they check your boarding pass.  For some reason, the Air Canada electronic boarding pass refused to open, so the security guy sent me back to get a printed boarding pass.  I was already concerned that I didn’t have a seat to sit in, and now I was worried that I wouldn’t even make the plane if I had to wait in line for a boarding pass.  I was down to about 10 minutes to boarding and 40 minutes to departure.

For the first time ever, my boarding card wouldn't load.  I blame Mike and Jim at RIM.

This time, I bypassed the regular line at Air Canada and queued up in the priority line.  I was called up by the agent who spent the first 3 minutes verifying my status, and therefore my eligibility to even receive service from her (my most major pet peeve with Air Canada).  Without batting an eyelash, she just said, “Yep, you’re here, and you’re on standby…better hurry if you’re going to make it.”   “Hold up,” I said…”I’m confirmed, and I’ve already selected my seat.  How do I wind up on standby?”

The actual location where Air Canada made me feel like an idiot.

In her very best, ‘well you’re clearly an idiot, sir’ voice, this employee of the month candidate basically explained to me like it was my first day, how airlines go ahead and overbook.  When the delightful words, “What exactly do you want from me?” came flying out of her mouth, I had already turned and started to walk away, shaking my head.

I don't have many hot buttons, but she found one of them

I returned to security, again using the priority line, and arrived at the screening area, just to be met by another star employee, this time of the screening company, named Domenic.  Domenic took one look at me, disgusted that I had bypassed the entire line, opened the retractable herding ropes, and told me to get to the back of the line, because he said I had butt in front of all of these people who were dutifully waiting their turns.  He informed me that I had no business being in the front of the line, and that I should wait my turn like everybody else.

Hold on there...you have absolutely no right to be here...now go to the back of the line, dumbass.

I now get why some people lose it at the airport and either wind up arrested or on a do not fly list.  I’ve never been so close to exploding.  I pointed at the sign that gave me the permission to be where I was, and the words, “are you freaking kidding me?” may have flown out of my mouth.  He was clearly not going to budge, so I backed up, but instead of going to the back of the line, I went back through the priority screening line, and asked the primary screener if I was allowed to be there, and he confirmed that I was.  I got back to Domenic, who was very clearly not happy to see me again.  He pointed to a woman and said, “Well, if you would have just done what I told you to do, you would be right where you are right now, behind that woman..." and with that, he made me wait until she passed, and let me go right after her.  There are a bunch of bad names that rhyme with DomeNIC (think D**k, or PR**k)…just pick one, it’ll be appropriate.

Angry.  Tired.  Hot.  And Dealing with Domenic the ****k.

So I arrived at gate 49 just to learn that some rock star at Air Canada made a decision to take me off the flight in favour of an Air Canada pilot traveling back to Toronto.  Thanks to an awesome gate agent called Fernand, and a very accommodating pilot called Captain Caron who gave up his seat for me, I was able to get home.  The pilot of the plane allowed Captain Caron to sit in the ‘jump seat’, something like a hidden lawn chair they stash in the cockpit, which meant I got to go home.

The Jumpseat...leave it to the airlines to find an even more uncomfortable way to fly.

 When it comes to travel, I thrive on predictability.   I’m a pretty good traveller.  I get where I’m going, and I usually don’t have a lot of surprises.  On Friday, one Air Canada employee lit my fuse by basically treating me like I was stupid, and another one expertly managed to defuse the ticking time bomb that I was rapidly becoming. Fernand was really surprised when I told him that this was the third time in the last year that he personally has managed a situation that allowed me to successfully get home to my family.  In addition, he skillfully, and single handedly flipped the off-switch on my escalating transition from well-adjusted business traveller to a hissy, prissy, airport divo.

Lots of folks at Air Canada know how to do it right.  Go Fernand!