It takes one to know one…and I’ve blown lots of interviews. I’ve blown it at the first
interview, and once, I even blew it at the final meeting where I was expecting
an offer. It’s usually easy to see
it coming when a candidate is about to blow an interview, and often I try to help
steer them around a disastrous minefield, but it’s tricky business, finding a
new job, and it’s surely not for the faint of heart. Hiring is exhausting to some managers and fun for
others. I find it fun. I have had the great fortune of
interviewing some fantastic people, and others who were fantastically
crazy.
In 1999 I had just moved to Saskatoon to take the role of
assistant branch manager and I was interviewing candidates for an overnight
printing and distribution job.
They were to work alone printing and packaging the day’s work for
delivery the next day. It’s not as
easy as you’d think to find someone who wants to work alone at night, just them
and a Volkswagon-sized printer.
We had put together a group of five or six candidates to interview, and
together with the branch manager, I hit the boardroom.
By the time candidate number six arrived at the table, we
were tired, slap-happy, and fully convinced that we were not going to find the
right person for the job. He started, and amazingly, he seemed decidedly OK. We talked about his career up to that point, which had
included a couple of night jobs.
He had also worked alone before, which was important, and he had an
average knowledge of technology, so operating the print program and machinery
seemed like it wouldn’t be a problem. There didn't seem to be any red flags, or anything to worry about.
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| If only some candidates came with a warning label |
As my manager was talking, I scanned his resume. It was terrible, but I hadn’t spent a
lot of time reading it before he arrived (which I do now), and when I got to
his accomplishments section, he had written: “I invented chocolate milk”. Now how do you put that on your resume? My theory is that if you do, you should
be prepared to defend it, and this seemed like a far too interesting fact to
not explore further. As my candidate
paused to take a breath, I blurted out, “You invented chocolate milk?”
It really hurt when my manager kicked me under the table. This was not a line of questioning she wished to follow, but it was out there, and he was thrilled to be asked. He worked in a dairy, and as he tells the story, one day, he made a suggestion that they consider putting chocolate syrup into the white milk, turning it into chocolate milk. This was Saskatchewan, and it would have been the late nineties when he did his big dairy job, and chocolate milk had been well established for decades. But he was hell-bent on taking credit for it, and could tell a pretty good story around it. I feel honoured to have met the inventor of chocolate milk, but not honoured enough to hire him.
In 2005, we interviewed a guy that I was really looking
forward to meeting. He went to
school at the same place as many of our really successful employees. We were hiring a telephone counselor,
and his experience was right in line with what we were expecting. The interview was set up for first
thing in the morning, and I don’t mind saying, we were excited…it was a role
that was really hard to hire for, and we thought we had a superstar. He arrived, and as with all candidates,
I offered him coffee or water.
Typically candidates decline both, and only in the rare case, they
choose water. Hardly ever coffee…I
think they fear it will be an inconvenience. (And it is). However,
this guy may have just disembarked from the Starship Enterprise because he asked
for, “Earl Grey Tea. Hot…” exactly as Captain Picard would have ordered it from
the Enterprise’s replicator.
Tea? Really? Would you like a crumpet to go with that?
I dispatched my assistant to scare up some lukewarm Red
Rose, and began the interview. He
stopped things almost immediately to share a newsflash…”I was sick all night
long…vomiting and diarrhea…I just feel terrible.” Well thanks for sharing, Sport...When I
asked him why he didn’t reschedule he said that he didn’t think it was an
option. For future reference, at
least with me, it’s almost always acceptable to call and reschedule an
interview if you spent the night alternating between sitting on the porcelain
throne and hugging it. The tea
arrived, and the interview commenced.
He actually possessed the skills and experience, but when we got to the
“Why do you want to work here?” question, he totally channeled his inner pervy
stalker dude and responded with, "Charolette works here right? I really want to work with her. Will I get to work with her?” Imagine it in a pervy stalker voice.
Well thanks a lot, enjoy your tea, and we’ll call you. Not. Earl Grey didn’t get the job. Well, not at least until things got really desperate a few
months later and he started to look pretty good.
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| It's amazing how bad candidates all of a sudden look better when things get tough |
Under the heading of My
Greatest Career Regrets, I’d have to put ‘The one that got away’ as my
number one regret. I never would
have hired this guy, but I wish to this day that I’d have brought him in for an
interview. I received his cover
letter and resume on July 13, 2001, and I have carried it with me ever
since. Whenever I need a chuckle,
I pull it out and read it. When
someone is feeling down, and in need of a lift, I share it. It hasn’t been more than an arm’s
length away since the day I got it.
It’s survived a move across the country and the transition to multiple
new positions and a few new companies.
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| This letter has survived the test of time |
To put this letter into perspective, it’s important to know
that I was hiring for a part time office clerk in Regina. Now, in over 25 years in the world of
work, I have seen (and done) some really creative writing when it comes to the
cover letter, but this one takes the cake. Some of the well-researched phrases that bring me immense
joy in his cover letter include:
· I am
obedient (obedient, while good for new military recruits and pets, is hardly ever something one lists on a
resume)
· My
organizational prowess is exceptional due to working with a tight schedule
resulting in a successful multitask oriented balance, through simple allocation
(kudos to him for using the word prowess
in a cover letter-not many people have the stones for that…the fact that
otherwise, the sentence makes absolutely no good sense is another issue
completely)
· My
confident command of oratory and prime social protocol are a result of
top-drawer alliances and public life experiences. (Huh?)
· As you can
see from my enclosed resume I have a rare, classical liberal education from an
institution with an unique emphasis on refinement and fortitude; it has never
failed to produce a perfectly well rounded gentleman (listed in the
education section of his resume, and I’m so not making this up, Hair Design Academy, Moose Jaw, SK)
· My
education, diverse masteries, as well as my volunteer experiences make me a
strong candidate to assist in any administrative capacity. (I seriously
doubt that).
I filed this away and decided
that I didn’t have time to meet him.
Every time I read his letter I kick myself for not scheduling an
interview. It could have changed
my life.
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| For God's sake, forget the thesaurus when writing a cover letter |
So, to recap…if you’re puking,
reschedule. If you think you need
a thesaurus for your cover letter, the job aint for you. If you’re offered water or coffee at an
interview, and you absolutely need something, take the water. If you’re going to lie on your resume,
make it something that isn’t obviously a lie. And don’t, under any circumstances, channel your pervy
stalker as you’re name-dropping in an interview. Ever.
 |
| Sarah Palin: A study in how to blow a job interview |
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